Testing and self-esteem

This following week is my pre-calculus final exam. It will try to assess all that I have learned in the last 10 weeks. But can it?

 

Testing has been, in my opinion, one of those necessary "evils" of traditional education. They are necessary in order to keep a record, a benchmark, a log that can be revisited to understand the decisions made. I call it an evil because I know who the test is for: It's for the teacher, and for the school, not necessarily for the student. What I mean is that standardized assessment tools, like tests, work more as a measure of homogeneity in the learning of a group, that of individuals. Taking all the scores together a teacher can assess their own performance. However, gauging individual performances based on them can be tricky and the results can be deceitful. And before anyone thinks I am only writing this post out of apprehension of doing poorly in my test, I can tell you I am not alone in thinking this way.

 

However, I am worried about doing badly in my test. It would be really disappointing to have spent so much time and effort in class, and have nothing to show for it. Yet, do I really have nothing to show for it? Doesn't this blog chronicle all I have learned in 10 weeks better than any test could assess? Of course I do and of course it does. So why do I still worry? Because of my self esteem.

 

I recognize that I need that external evaluation to measure my performance. And that might not be a good thing. I shouldn't need a test to tell me how well I learned pre-calculus, but part of me does. And I know that a bad score in the test would take a lot of wind out of my sail. But why? Why should it? I guess because when people ask how you did on a task, the answers we give more often than not are the results, not the journey. We focus on the scores, the grades and the ranks to measure our selves. And what we usually measure our selves against is other people.

 

I've been doing some research on self-esteem, for other purposes, these last few weeks and I was surprised to find that my self-esteem is not as high as I thought it would be. In fact, my whole project on learning calculus could be seen as a why to correct issues stemming from low self-esteem or more likely low self-efficacy.

 

Self-efficacy is the confidence you have in the ability of doing something. Self-esteem is your perception of selfworth. And while I believed my self-esteem is always high, it takes me more than a while to get over setbacks, I expect perfection and I am my worst critic. Three factors that denote a less than high self-esteem. However, my self-efficacy had always seemed high because I have never had doubts on my ability to do anything or learn anything. With the exception of calculus. For the longest time I believed I could not do it. I am making that change this year.

 

So going back to the test, I start to understand where my apprehension lies. My self-efficacy tells me I can do this and that everything will be fine. My self-esteem is worried about the outcome and how to take it. My knowledge of assessment tells me the test is necessary as a tool for me to understand my weaknesses and strengths. My knowledge of test making tells me the test is a tool for quality assurance of course performance. When I take all these things together, I have to conclude that I am stressing over nothing...and that I need to monitor my self-esteem. No matter how I do in the test, I know I have made progress and I am proud of that. Besides, perfection is overrated.

 

Wish me luck, I'll keep you posted on the results.